The eNotes Blog Names and Nonsense Ten Curious Names of the Famous, Infamous, andOthers

Names and Nonsense Ten Curious Names of the Famous, Infamous, andOthers Naming your baby is a weighty task. Most people strive to select names that either have a connection to family or ones that have a   certain  panache.   But then there is that portion of the public where the name they select for their newborn is either offensive, unpronounceable, or unbelievablesometimes all three. In the United States, you can name your baby Dustpan Ghoul III if you please. Hey,   freedom of speech, although I am guessing none of the Founding Fathers would have envisioned this right being applied to Lil Dustpan. Some countries, however, are not so laissez-faire. In New Zealand, as  much as you may want to,   you are officially, not, nope, no way, allowed to name your bundle o joy Anal and your fall-back choice, Prince of Darkness, is out too. Here are a few odd names from history that you will probably be glad you never heard screamed at  you  on the playground. 1.   Armand Hammer,  famous industrialist born on 21 May 1898 in Manhattan, New York. His father â€Å"had named him after the symbol of the Socialist Labor Party.† As a youth, he sometimes claimed that his father had named him after Armand Duval, a character in the Alexandre Dumas novel  La Dame aux Camà ©lias  (1848). 2.   Ima Hogg:  Ima Hoggs first name was taken from  The Fate of Marvin, an epic poem written by her uncle  Thomas Hogg. She endeavored to downplay her unusual name by signing her first name illegibly and having her stationery printed with I. Hogg or Miss Hogg. Although it was rumored that Hogg had a sister named Ura Hogg, she had only brothers. 3.   Christine Daae: The Phantom of the Opera fan â€Å"changed her name from Victoria Bohm by deed poll† so that â€Å"if the Phantom came back today he would have a Christine Daae who would stay by him at the end.† 4. Kal-El Coppola: Is there some sort of pretentiousness contest when celebrities have babies? I vote for Superboy, aka Kal-El, son of He-of-the-Perpetually receding hair-line, Nicholas Cage. 5.   Velveeta: Anyone who has taught for as long as I have has their own personal stash of unusual names. My all-time favorite was a woman named Velveeta. She simply explained her mom loved the cheese and liked the sound of the product name. Velveeta, the woman, isnt famous yet but I would not be a bit surprised if she was one day. 6.   Ikea: My 15-year-old daughter has a classmate named Ikea. My guess is that the Dr. Spock manual was about as helpful as assembly instructions in Swedish. 7.   Lady Bird Johnson: If I had titled this image Claudia Alta Johnson I bet those of you non-Texans would have no clue who this woman was.   She is in fact, the former First Lady of the United States, wife of Lyndon Baines Johnson. Though she was named for her mothers brother Claud,  during her infancy, her nurse, Alice Tittle,  commented, she was as purty as a  ladybird,  which is a brightly colored  beetle. That nickname virtually replaced her actual first name for the rest of her life. Her father and siblings called her Lady,  though her husband called her Bird, which is the name she used on her marriage license. During her teenage years, her schoolmates had called her Bird, though mockingly, since she reportedly was not fond of the name. 8.   Tupac Shakur: One of most recognizable faces and one of the best-selling artists of the 1990s and beyond, Tupac is indeed his given name and he was named after an ancient Incan warrior and chief. 9. Dovakiim: Completely, 100% accurate representation of the offspring of two obsessed Skyrim fans. I think I hear  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog  warming up in the background On the plus side, he need never leave his parents basement as the reward for naming him Dovakiim is a lifetime supply of free games from Bethesda. 10.   Napoleon:   Perhaps you want to honor your French heritage. Perhaps you just like the polysyllabic name  Napoleon.   Everyone knows the dangers of giving your child a lofty name to live up to. Maybe it will work out for Cash, or Lakshme, or Sultan. But it might also be this How about you? What memorable names have you come across? Whether it be someone you know, a name from history, literature, a celebrity, whether you have been given an unusual name yourself, or given  someone a unique name wed love to hear them!

The Internets Involvement in Society essays

The Internets Involvement in Society essays The Internet is a new revolution to all of mankind. People are using computers for tasks unimaginable ten years ago. This paper will share with you ideas on computer use and the Internet in the twenty- first century. The Internet, introduced to consumers in 1996, has grown immensely over the past four years. Other technologies took up to thirty-eight years to reach fifty million people. The Internet only took four years to reach well over fifty million users. The Internet's extreme rate of growth will continue while we have no idea where it will take us. The Internet is becoming the most important tool to humans today. There are many different uses for every kind of person. For instance, online banking saves time and money over traditional banking. Small businesses have been rewriting the rules to commerce with the use of the Internet. Kendra Bonnett states: Just three years ago a study for Internet commerce estimated that thirty-seven million people in North America (age sixteen and older) had access to the Internet. Among this group, twenty-four million reported that they have used the Internet during the last three months, and only seven percent have purchased products or services over the Internet. (An IBM guide to doing e-business, 2000, p. 9) The number of people involved with the Internet is what makes it such a success. The Internet will continue to grow while people find more uses for it every day. It is able to find information on any topic imagined at your greatest convenience. As the Internet keeps growing, problems continue growing as well. With the help of the Internet, people are distributing copyrighted data for a profit. This is data that should be sold in the retail market. Examples would be musical files, games, and applications. Stefan Ventroni (2000), an attorney for Hit Box Music, believes that the rights of creative artists are being trampled on because of the Internet (p.1). Each albu...

Understanding & Researching Consumer Buyer Behaviour Essay

Understanding & Researching Consumer Buyer Behaviour - Essay Example Understanding & Researching  Consumer Buyer  Behavior However, it is vital to take note that local market situations, exchange systems, as well as certain cultural aspects, play a significant role in how consumers perform impulse behaviors. This paper will examine the nature of impulse buying, describing the how marketers can incorporate knowledge of customers’ impulse buying tendencies to their marketing strategies. Nature of Impulse Buying Behavior Impulse buying is essentially unreflective behavior that fails to conform to the rational, well-thought decision making standpoint in terms of consumer buyer tendencies or actions. The process of impulse buying is an extremely complex goal process that centers on reaction and emotion as its primary driving forces. This is largely because consumers engage in the process of impulse buying without engaging in concrete thoughts regarding their actions or conducting an evaluation of their intended deeds. According to Rook (116) consumers engaging in impulse buying are unlikely to consider the implications or think carefully and logically prior to making the purchase. The attention of such consumers is channeled towards the immediate gratification inherent in responding to the desire or urge to make the purchase instead of identifying and solving a preexisting issue or finding a product to fulfill a predetermined need. In addition, consistent with other forms of impulsiveness, impulse buying is also immediate, meaning that the process occurs in the span of several minutes and is not premeditated. Impulse Buying Behavior After the year 1982 when marketing researchers started to re-focus their attention on impulse buying actions, marketers started to ponder over the behavioral dimensions inherent in impulse buying. However, recently marketers appear to believe that impulse buying involves both affective and hedonic components. For instance, in his researcher, Rook (89) provided the assertions of consumers who reported that they felt the products â€Å"calling† t hem nearly demanding that the consumers purchase the products. This indicates on intense emphasis on the behavioral aspect of impulse buying, which, in turn, resulted in the definition of impulse buying as behavior that takes place when consumers experience sudden urges, usually persistent and powerful to purchase something instantly. The urge or purchase is hedonically intricate and has the potential of stimulating emotional conflict. Furthermore, impulse buying typically occurs with diminished consideration of its consequences (Rook 191). There are essentially five critical aspects embedded in impulse buying. These elements include a spontaneous and sudden urge to act; the action in this sense being the urge to make a purchase. Secondly, impulse buying also involves a position of psychological disequilibrium whereby a consumer’s emotions are in disarray concerning the act of making a purchase. Thirdly, impulse buying involves the emergence of psychological struggle and conf lict as consumers struggle with the urge to buy on impulse. Furthermore, impulse buying entails a dramatic reduction in the consumer’s cognitive evaluation abilities. This reduction is what forms the urge to make an instant purchase without taking into consideration the immediate or long term implications of such

The Rise of Capitalism Essay Example | Topics and Well Written Essays - 1000 words

The Rise of Capitalism - Essay Example Smith’s theory that propagated dependence of individualism that oozed out of the nation at this time period. America’s obsession with Industrial began with Slater’s mills in which textiles became the primary market to produce. Although it may seem a new age, most workers were orphans or children who owed debt to the nation. The drive of capitalism for this country relied on many factors that included slavery, turned raw goods into products, factories, and the ability to produce such a drastic workforce. Jefferson understood and acknowledged this problem. He feared that the America could not be properly industrialized due to the fact that it would not attract workers. Hence, the need to build factories around villages became critical components towards the move to industrialize America. Moreover, the ability of the American leaders to explore the â€Å"wild west† catapulted the nation to expand and dramatically changed from an urban to a rural area. One of the most significant factors that contributed to the development expansion of the United States was the fertile land that was available in the South. The large plantations in the south gave the rise to slave labor was the fertile farmland in the Midwest enabled United States to accomplish several things. First of all, the invention of Eli Whitney’s cotton gin initiated the rise to slave labor in the rich land that extended beyond from Carolina to Texas, which expanded the United States border. The fertile land gave boosted the American economy, which contributed to development of United States. The south had to dramatically shift their economy to tobacco and cotton to agriculture. In the north, corn supply was enhanced along with the focus on producing textiles. Cities such as New York and Chicago became the top commerce cities that built its economic empire due to the industrial revolution. The creation of Erie Canal became the hallmark of water commerce that enabled America to lower shipping costs

Oil And Gas Industry Essay Example for Free

Oil And Gas Industry Essay Petroleum in one form or other has always been the most useful natural resource of man. More than four thousand years ago, Herodotus, a Greek historian of 5th century B. C. E and Diodrus Siculus, a historian of Agyrim Sicily in C A 90 B C– C A 30 B C discovered that Babylon were using Asphalt black substance found in Petroleum during the construction of the walls and towers of Babylon. In 1410 AD, native Americans were harvesting the oil for medicinal purposes. It was in 1859, in the quite farm country of North Western Pennsylvania that the drilling of the first most important crucial oil well took place. This well began to be known as the Drake Well after the name of Colonel Edwin Drake, the man who gave the idea of drilling the well for commercial use. This was the first phase of the history of Oil Industry, which gave new lease to our lives. (The Paleontological Research Institution, The History of Oil) Today, the Oil and Gas Industry has touched every sphere of our lives. It is the most depleted and yet the most used natural resource by the economies all around the world. With the increase in new explorations and technological developments, the natural oil and gas production is increasing at the rate of two billion cubic feet a day, and currently Devon Energy is one of the largest and independent oil and gas producers in the United States. Based in Oklahoma City, it is supplying three percent of the gas consumed in North America and producing 600,000 barrels of oil a day. The company is also drilling more than 2000 oil wells every year in North America in an area stretching from the Gulf of Mexico to the northernmost reaches of Canada. (O G Next Generation Oil and Gas, 2007) There are many unpredictable reasons, like over all economic growth, continuous development in technology, change in energy prices, change in weather patterns and public policy decisions which led to the changes in the levels of production and in demand and supply. According to Energy Information Administration projections from 2007 to 2030, the total production of domestic liquid embracing crude oil, natural gas plant liquids, refinery processing gains and other refinery inputs, is expected to see a tremendous increase. The reason behind the increase is the growth in refinery processing and other refinery inputs. It is projected that this growth will compensate any predicted reduction in crude oil production after 2017. This increase in the production owes to some extent to the high tech oil recovery methods, the increase in the production in the deep waters in Gulf of Mexico, higher resource assumptions for the Bakken Shale formation in the Williston Basin. (Energy Information Administration, 2007) As per the AEO2007 reference case, the total domestic natural gas production including the supply of supplement natural gas reflects an increase from 18. 3 trillion cubic feet in 2005 to 21. trillion cubic feet in 2022. (Energy Information Administration, 2007) This clearly shows that in-spite of the factors that have led to the increase in the energy prices since 2000, the growing influence of developing countries on world-wide energy requirements, enactment of legislation and regulations in the United States, the rising need for the alternative source of energy and the need for the energy technologies did not hamper the growth of Oil and Gas Industry. United States of America is one of the largest economies in the world with the per capita Gross Domestic Product to be $43,500. The Central Intelligence Agency, 2007). The economy of America depends on the crude oil for fuels to be used in the transportation purpose. Seeing the current economic scenario and increase in the demand for the fuel, the demand for the light oil production all over the world is expected to increase and will reach to the point where supply of the oil will going to be far less than the demand. This will result in the imbalance in the supply and increase in the price of oil and fuel especially for military and strategic purposes. More than 60 per cent of the fuel requirements of United States of America is met by imports and at this current state of affairs, United States of America have to bear the cost at price level of $55/Bbl could be increased twice, from 9. 9 MM Bbl/d to nearly 20 MM Bbls/dby2025. (Online Edition) As the imports will increase, there is every possibility that America could face price shocks, supply disruptions, and fuels shortages. According to the EIA/AEO estimates, the average import price of oil from 2005 to 2020 could make United State Gross Domestic product to reduce by more than $ 1. 1 trillion. The department of Energy and the honorable President of America suggested that the need of the hour is to rely on the domestic sources for the increase in the liquid supplies. (Online Edition) And the best source is the production of Shale Oils; converted into liquid fuels, provide fuel for the transportation of military and civilian purposes. Currently the Oil shale resources can be found in Colorado, Wyoming and Utah and hope is on the anvil that with the efforts of the Government, industry and other stakeholders, the oil shale production can reach 2 MM Bbl/D by 2020. The prices of the Crude Oil which have been showing an increase since last two months is expected to reach at the pinnacle of its monthly average price in August. The RAC of crude oil in 2007 is estimated at the rate of 64. 86 per barrel as compared to $ 60. 23 per barrel in 2006 and in 2008 is expected to be 68. 75 per barrel. This increase is due to the tight world oil supply and demand balance. 2007 can witness the increase in the total gas consumption by 4 percent and the LNG imports can go up to 850 bcf, which would be a record in upper scale. This is clear from the fact that despite the increase in the demand of bio-fuels and other non-hydroelectric renewable energy sources and subsequently the construction of new nuclear power plants, the Oil and Gas Industry is expected to supply same 86-percent share of the total U. S. primary energy in 2030, which they were giving in 2005 Year after year, there has been very less growth in retail sales to just 3. 2% year in April whereas there has been increase in the gas stations. Because of the growth of wholesale energy prices to 3. 4 per cent, the Producer Price Index (PPI) increased to 0. % in April. Due to the increase in oil prices and stable demand, there was a trade deficit by $6 billion. (Pod cast Directory, 2007). According to Chicago Fed’s annual Automotive Outlook Symposium, the economic growth in 2007 is seen to be slower than in 2006, with inflation and the unemployment rate increased. The prices of the Energy also increased in the middle months of 2006, but after that they fell, at an average of $60 per barrel in the fourth quarter. This led to the increase in inflation by 1. 9 per cent as measured by the Consumer Price Index (CPI), which is less than 3. per cent than previous year. (Strauss Engel, 2007) This phrase â€Å"Oil flows the Nation grows† is evidently true when it comes to Oil and Gas. The increase in the price of Oil also increases the over all Consumer Price Index, especially in September 2005, which was 1. 2 per cent, highest in 25 years. The increase in imports of energy increases the trade deficit, on the average the increase in oil prices to 10 per cent leads to 150,000 Americans to lose their jobs, and over and above we have to loose between $80 billion and $160 billion in economic growth. In September 2005, it was estimated that 40 percent increase in gas prices reduced the total domestic consumption by 0. 4 percent and the GDP fell to an estimated 0. 9 percent. In fact even the Consumer spending was reduced. But there is an increase in the profits among the major players in Oil and Industry. Only in the beginning of 2005, the five largest oil companies were making profits of $52. 2 billion, which was less in 2004, only $39. 5 billion. (Democrats Policy Committee, 2005). The study on the impact of Oil Price by An International Energy Agency in 2004 revealed that the repercussions of the high prices on economy will be minimum and this proves to be as High oil prices became most important macro economic variable. It is apparently quite clear that with the new technologies are in the offing, the Oil and gas Industry will strike more. The earnings from the Industry are being invested in new technology, new production, and environmental and product quality improvements to meet the requirements of Generation next. According the Oil Gas Journal estimates, the Industry spends $85. 7 billion in 2005, whereas in 2004 it spend just $80. 7 billion in 2004 and in 2003 $75. 5 billion. (Cavaney, 2006). The threat to the Oil Industry is from the alternative sources of energy like bio fuels and other non-hydroelectric renewable energy sources and subsequently the construction of new nuclear power plants, yet the Oil and Gas Industry is expected to supply same 86-percent share of the total U.  S. primary energy in 2030, which they were giving in 2005. (Energy Information Administration, 2007). As the study above reveals that though the production of oil and gas is on the increase but it is not able to meet the demand and to maintain a balance between the demand and supply, The Government and Energy department is taking initiative to increase in the Shale Oils for liquid fuels.

Of Mice And Men :: essays research papers

Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck At first glance, Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck is a tale of two best friends traveling the countryside looking for work. This would seem like the norm for lower class people trying to survive in the rat race of society. Yet, the story isn’t merely George and Lennie’s search for jobs. Rather, it is about their all out quest for the American Dream, the dream of owning their own stake of land and ending their subservience to their bosses. In order for this to happen, however, George and Lennie had to remain a team. They had to pool their resources as well as their manpower, something their apparent mutual love for each other seemed to take care of. Yet, an irrevocable rift between them sent the dream crashing down. This caused George’s feelings of love and understanding to change from being existent to non-existent.   Ã‚  Ã‚  Ã‚  Ã‚  Since the passing of Lennie’s aunt, George felt an obligation to take care of Lennie as well as to act as his guardian. George fulfilled this role with love and understanding. We first see change in George’s attitude towards Lennie when they moved onto the ranch, their place of work. George immediately feels that he is jeopardizing his relationship with other men in order to defend Lennie’s actions. George is further discouraged when he realizes, based on Lennie’s behavior that he can never be left alone- even to go to the bathroom. Lennie can’t even be trusted not to kill puppies while petting them. Lennie, in fact, goes so far as to kill the owner’s daughter-in-law. By this point, George, a nice yet overly ambitious individual, could no longer control this growing contempt towards his once beloved Lennie.   Ã‚  Ã‚  Ã‚  Ã‚  As George’s feelings changed, he started vocalizing his frustrations towards Lennie. Before, George would plead with Lennie with words of love to run away. Now, George actually suggests it. George relates to Lennie that he feels that he is â€Å"holding me (George) back from the good life†, and that he could get his own little stake of land if he freed himself of Lennie and his shortcomings. This is something the old George would never dream of saying. George further alienates Lennie by scolding him mercilessly after Lennie innocently told Crooks their future dreams. These comments reflected George’s sentiments exactly. Lennie had become more of a nuisance than George could even handle. Of Mice And Men :: essays research papers Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck At first glance, Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck is a tale of two best friends traveling the countryside looking for work. This would seem like the norm for lower class people trying to survive in the rat race of society. Yet, the story isn’t merely George and Lennie’s search for jobs. Rather, it is about their all out quest for the American Dream, the dream of owning their own stake of land and ending their subservience to their bosses. In order for this to happen, however, George and Lennie had to remain a team. They had to pool their resources as well as their manpower, something their apparent mutual love for each other seemed to take care of. Yet, an irrevocable rift between them sent the dream crashing down. This caused George’s feelings of love and understanding to change from being existent to non-existent.   Ã‚  Ã‚  Ã‚  Ã‚  Since the passing of Lennie’s aunt, George felt an obligation to take care of Lennie as well as to act as his guardian. George fulfilled this role with love and understanding. We first see change in George’s attitude towards Lennie when they moved onto the ranch, their place of work. George immediately feels that he is jeopardizing his relationship with other men in order to defend Lennie’s actions. George is further discouraged when he realizes, based on Lennie’s behavior that he can never be left alone- even to go to the bathroom. Lennie can’t even be trusted not to kill puppies while petting them. Lennie, in fact, goes so far as to kill the owner’s daughter-in-law. By this point, George, a nice yet overly ambitious individual, could no longer control this growing contempt towards his once beloved Lennie.   Ã‚  Ã‚  Ã‚  Ã‚  As George’s feelings changed, he started vocalizing his frustrations towards Lennie. Before, George would plead with Lennie with words of love to run away. Now, George actually suggests it. George relates to Lennie that he feels that he is â€Å"holding me (George) back from the good life†, and that he could get his own little stake of land if he freed himself of Lennie and his shortcomings. This is something the old George would never dream of saying. George further alienates Lennie by scolding him mercilessly after Lennie innocently told Crooks their future dreams. These comments reflected George’s sentiments exactly. Lennie had become more of a nuisance than George could even handle.

The Stupidest Angel Chapter 4

Chapter 4 HAVE YOURSELF A NASTY LITTLE CHRISTMAS Josh wiped the tears off his face, took a deep breath, and headed up the walk to his house. He was still shaking from having seen Santa take a shovel in the throat, but now it occurred to him that it might not be enough to get him out of trouble. The first thing his mom would say was, Well, what were you doing out so late anyway? And dumb Brian, who was not Josh's real dad but Mom's dumb boyfriend, would say, â€Å"Yeah, Santa would probably still be alive if you hadn't stayed so long at Sam's house.† So, there on the front step, he decided to go with total hysteria. He started breathing hard, pumping up some tears, got a good whimpering sob going, then opened the door with a dieseling back sniffle. He fell onto the welcome mat and let loose with a full fire-truck-siren wail. And nothing happened. No one said a word. No one came running. So Josh crawled into the living room, trailing a nice fiber-optic string of drool from his lower lip to the carpet as he chanted a mucusy â€Å"Momma,† knowing that it would completely disarm her temper and get her all fired up to protect him from dumb Brian, for whom he had no magic manipulation chant. But nobody called him, nobody came running, dumb Brian was not sprawled across the couch like the great sleepy slug that he was. Josh wound it down. â€Å"Mom?† Just the hint of a sob there, ready to go full bore again when she answered. He went into the kitchen, where the memo light was blinking on Mom's machine. Josh wiped his nose on his sleeve and hit the button. â€Å"Hi, Joshy,† his mom said, her cheerful overtired voice. â€Å"Brian and I had to go out to eat with some buyers. There's a Stouffer's mac and cheese in the freezer. We should be home before eight. Do your homework. Call my cell if you get scared.† Josh couldn't believe the luck. He checked the clock on the microwave. Only seven-thirty. Excellent! Latch-keyed loose like a magic elf. Yes! Dumb Brian had come through with a business dinner. He grabbed the Stouffer's out of the freezer, popped it – box and all – into the microwave, and hit the preset time. You didn't really have to peel the plastic back like they said. If you just nuke it in the box, the cardboard will keep it from exploding all over the microwave when the plastic goes. Josh didn't know why they didn't just put that in the instructions. He went back into the living room, turned on the TV, and plopped down on the floor in front of it to wait for the microwave to beep. Maybe he should call Sam, he thought. Tell him about Santa. But Sam didn't believe in Santa. He said that Santa was just something the goys made up to make them feel better about not having a menorah. That was crap, of course. Goys (a Jewish word for girls and boys, Sam had explained) didn't want a menorah. They wanted toys. Sam was just saying that because he was mad because instead of Christmas they had snipped the tip of his penis off and said mazel tov. â€Å"Wow, sucks to be you,† said Josh. â€Å"We're the Chosen,† said Sam. â€Å"Not for kickball† â€Å"Shut up.† â€Å"No, you shut up.† â€Å"No, you shut up.† Sam was Josh's best friend and they understood each other, but would Sam know what to do about a murder? Especially a murder of an important person? You were supposed to go to an adult in these situations, Josh was pretty sure of it. Fire, an injured friend, a bad touch, you were supposed to tell an adult, a parent, a teacher, or a policeman, and no one would be mad at you. (But if you found your mom's boyfriend lighting a giant chili-dog-and-beer fart in the garage workshop, the police absolutely did not want to know about it. Josh had learned that lesson the hard way.) A commercial came on, and Josh's mac and cheese was still surfing the microwaves, so he debated calling 911 or praying, and decided to go with the prayer. Like calling 911, you weren't supposed to pray for just anything. For instance, God did not care whether or not you got your bandicoot through the fire level on PlayStation, and if you asked for help there, there was a good chance that he would ignore you when you really needed help, like for a spelling test or if your mom got cancer. Josh reckoned it was sort of like cell-phone minutes, but this seemed like a real emergency. â€Å"Our Heavenly Father,† Josh began. You never used God's first name – that was like a commandment or something. â€Å"This is Josh Barker, six-seventy-one Worchester Street, Pine Cove, California nine-three-seven, five-four. I saw Santa tonight, which was great, and thank you for that, but then, right after I saw him, he got killed with a shovel, and so, I'm afraid that there's not going to be any Christmas and I've been good, which I'm sure you'll see if you check Santa's list, so if you don't mind could you please make Santa come back to life and make everything okay for Christmas?† No, no, no, that sounded really selfish. Quickly he added: â€Å"And a Happy Hanukkah to you and all the Jewish people like Sam and his family. Mazel tov.† There. Perfect. He felt a lot better. The microwave beeped and Josh ran to the kitchen, right into the legs of a really tall man in a long black coat who was standing by the counter. Josh screamed and the man took him by the arms, picked him up, and looked him over like he was a gemstone or a really tasty dessert. Josh kicked and squirmed, but the blond man held him fast. â€Å"You're a child,† said the blond man. Josh stopped kicking for a second and looked into the impossibly blue eyes of the stranger, who was now studying him in much the same way a bear might examine a portable television while wondering how to get all those tasty little people out of it. â€Å"Well, duh,† said Josh. The Christmas tree took a wide left onto Cypress Street. Finding that somewhat suspicious, Constable Theophilus Crowe pulled in behind it as he dug the little blue light out of the glove compartment of his Volvo and stuck it on the roof. Theo was relatively sure that there was a vehicle under the Christmas tree somewhere, but all he could see right now were the taillights shining through the branches in the back. As he followed the tree up Cypress, past the burger stand and Brine's Bait, Tackle, and Fine Wines, a pinecone the size of a Nerf football broke loose and rolled off to the side of the street, bouncing and thumping into one of the gas pumps. Theo hit the siren one time, just a chirp, thinking he'd better stop this before someone got hurt. There was no way that the driver under the Christmas tree could see the road clearly. The tree was driving trunk first, so the widest, thickest branches were covering the front of the vehicle. The tree's tires chirped with a downshift. It killed the lights and screeched around the corner on Worchester Street, leaving a trail of rolling pinecones and pine-fresh exhaust. Under normal circumstances, if a suspect tried to elude Theo, he would have called it into the county sheriff's immediately, hoping a deputy in the area might provide backup, but he'd be damned if he was going to call in that he was in hot pursuit of a fugitive Christmas tree. Theo turned the siren onto full shriek and took off up the hill after the fleeing conifer, thinking for the fiftieth time that day that life had seemed a lot easier when he'd smoked pot. â€Å"Boy, you don't see that every day,† said Tucker Case, who was sitting at a window table at H.P.'s Caf, waiting for Lena to come back from freshening up in the rest-room. H.P.'s – a mix of pseudo Tudor and Country Kitchen Cute – was Pine Cove's most popular restaurant, and tonight it was completely packed. The waitress, a pretty redhead in her forties, glanced up from the tray of drinks she was delivering and said, â€Å"Yeah, Theo hardly ever chases anyone.† â€Å"That Volvo was chasing a pine tree,† Tuck said. â€Å"Could be,† said the waitress. â€Å"Theo used to do a lot of drugs.† â€Å"No, really – † Tuck tried to explain, but she had headed back to the kitchen. Lena was returning to the table. She was still in the black tank top under an open flannel shirt, but she had washed the streaks of mud from her face and her dark hair was brushed out around her shoulders. To Tuck she looked like the sexy but tough Indian guide chick in the movies, who always leads the group of nerdy businessmen into the wilderness where they are assaulted by vicious rednecks, bears gone mutant from exposure to phosphate laundry detergent, or ancient Indian spirits with a grudge. â€Å"You look great,† Tuck said. â€Å"Are you Native American?† â€Å"What was the siren about?† Lena asked, sliding into the seat across from him. â€Å"Nothing. A traffic thing.† â€Å"This is just so wrong.† She looked around, as if everyone knew how wrong it was. â€Å"Wrong.† â€Å"No, it's good,† Tuck said with a big smile, trying to make his blue eyes twinkle in the candlelight, but forgetting where exactly his twinkle muscles were located. â€Å"We'll have a nice meal, get to know each other a little.† She leaned over the table and whispered harshly, â€Å"There's a dead man out there. A man I used to be married to.† â€Å"Shh, shh, shh,† Tuck shushed, gently placing a finger against her lip, trying to sound comforting and maybe a little European. â€Å"Now is not the time to talk of this, my sweet.† She grabbed his finger and bent it back. â€Å"I don't know what to do.† Tuck was twisted in his seat, leaning back to relieve the unnatural angle in which his finger was pointing. â€Å"Appetizer?† he suggested. â€Å"Salad?† Lena let go of his finger and covered her face with her hands. â€Å"I can't do this.† â€Å"What? It's just dinner,† said Tuck. â€Å"No pressure.† He had never really dated much – gone on dates, that is. He'd met and seduced a lot of women, but it was never over a series of evenings with dinner and conversation – usually just some drinks and vulgarity at an airport hotel lounge had done the trick. He felt it was time he behaved like a grown-up – get to know a woman before he slept with her. His therapist had suggested it right before she'd stopped treating him, right after he'd hit on her. It wasn't going to be easy. In his experience things went a lot better with women before they got to know him, when they could still project hope and potential on him. â€Å"We just buried my ex-husband,† Lena said. â€Å"Sure, sure, but then we delivered Christmas trees to the poor. A little perspective, huh? A lot of people have buried their spouses.† â€Å"Not personally. With the shovel they killed him with.† â€Å"You may want to keep it down a little.† Tuck checked the diners at the nearby tables to see if they were listening, but they all seemed to be discussing the pine tree that had just driven by. â€Å"Let's talk about something else. Interests? Hobbies? Movies?† Lena tossed her head as if she didn't hear him right, then stared as if to say, Are you nuts? â€Å"Well, for instance,† he pressed on, â€Å"I rented the strangest movie last night. Did you know that Babes in Toyland was a Christmas movie?† â€Å"Of course, what did you think it was?† â€Å"Well, I thought, well – now it's your turn. What's your favorite movie?† Lena leaned close to Tuck and searched his eyes to see if he might be joking. Tuck batted his eyelashes, trying to look innocent. â€Å"Who are you?† Lena finally asked. â€Å"I told you.† â€Å"But, what's wrong with you? You shouldn't be so – so calm, while I'm a nervous wreck. Have you done this kind of thing before?† â€Å"Sure. Are you kidding? I'm a pilot, I've eaten in restaurants all over the world.† â€Å"Not dinner, you idiot! I know you've had dinner before! What, are you retarded?† â€Å"Okay, now everybody is looking. You can't just say ‘retarded' in public like that – people take offense because, you know, many of them are. You're supposed to say ‘developmentally disabled. â€Å" Lena stood up and threw her napkin on the table. â€Å"Tucker, thank you for helping me, but I can't do this. I'm going to go talk to the police.† She turned and stormed through the restaurant toward the door. â€Å"We'll be back,† Tuck called to the waitress. He nodded to the nearby tables. â€Å"Sorry. She's a little high-strung. She didn't mean to say ‘retarded. † Then he went after Lena, snatching his leather jacket off the back of his chair as he went. He caught up with her as she was rounding the corner of the building into the parking lot. He caught her by the shoulder and spun her around, making sure that she saw that he was smiling when she completed the turn. Blinking Christmas lights played red and green highlights across her dark hair, making the scowl she was aiming at him seem festive. â€Å"Leave me alone, Tucker. I'm going to the police. I'll just explain that it was just an accident.† â€Å"No. I won't let you. You can't.† â€Å"Why can't I?† â€Å"Because I'm your alibi.† â€Å"If I turn myself in, I won't need an alibi.† â€Å"I know.† â€Å"Well?† â€Å"I want to spend Christmas with you.† Lena softened, her eyes going wide, the swell of a tear watering up in one eye. â€Å"Really?† â€Å"Really.† Tuck was more than a little uncomfortable with his own honesty – he was standing like someone had just poured hot coffee in his lap and he was trying to keep the front of his pants from touching him. Lena held out her arms and Tuck walked into them, guiding her hands inside his jacket and around his ribs. He rested his cheek against her hair and took a deep breath, enjoying the smell of her shampoo and the residual pine scent picked up from handling the Christmas trees. She didn't smell like a murderer – she smelled like a woman. â€Å"Okay,† she whispered. â€Å"I don't know who you are, Tucker Case, but I think I'd like to spend Christmas with you, too.† She buried her face in his chest and held him until there was a thump against his back, followed by a loud scratching noise on his jacket. She pushed him back just as the fruit bat peeked his little doggie face over the pilot's shoulder and barked. Lena leaped back and screamed like a bunny in a blender. â€Å"What in the hell is that?† she asked, backing across the parking lot. â€Å"Roberto,† Tuck said. â€Å"I mentioned him before.† â€Å"This is too weird. Too weird.† Lena began to chant and pace in a circle, glancing up at Tuck and his bat every couple of seconds. She paused. â€Å"He's wearing sunglasses.† â€Å"Yeah, and don't think it's easy finding Ray-Bans in a fruit-bat medium.† Meanwhile, up at the Santa Rosa Chapel, Constable Theophilus Crowe had finally caught up to the fugitive Christmas tree. He trained the headlights of the Volvo on the suspect evergreen and stood behind the car door for cover. If he'd had a public-address system he would have used it to issue commands, but since the county had never given him one, he shouted. â€Å"Get out of the vehicle, hands first, and turn and face me!† If he'd had a weapon he would have drawn it, but he'd left his Glock on the top shelf of his closet next to Molly's old nicked-up broadsword. He realized that the car door was actually only providing cover to the lower third of his body, and he reached down and rolled up the window. Then, feeling awkward, he slammed the door and loped toward the Christmas tree. â€Å"Goddammit, come out of the tree. Right now!† He heard a car window whiz down and then a voice. â€Å"Oh my, Officer, you are so forceful.† A familiar voice. Somewhere under there was a Honda CRV – and the woman he had married. â€Å"Molly?† He should have known. Even when she stayed on her meds, as she had promised she would, she could still be â€Å"artistic.† Her term. The branches of the big pine tree shuffled and out stepped his wife, wearing a green Santa hat, jeans, red sneakers, and a jean jacket with studs down the sleeves. Her hair was tied back in a ponytail that trailed down her back. She might have been a biker elf. She rushed out of the branches as if she were ducking the blades of a helicopter, then ran to his side. â€Å"Look at this magnificent son of a bitch!† She gestured to the tree, put her arm around his waist, pulled him close, humped his leg a little. â€Å"Isn't it great?† â€Å"It certainly is – uh, large. How'd you get it on the car? â€Å"Took some time. I hoisted it up on some ropes, then drove under it. Do you think there'll be a flat spot where it dragged on the road?† Theo looked the tree up and down, back and forth, watched the car exhaust boiling out of the branches. He wasn't sure he wanted to know, but he had to ask. â€Å"You didn't buy this at the hardware store, did you?† â€Å"No, there was a problem with that. But I saved a ton of money. Cut it myself. Completely totaled my broadsword, but look at this son of a bitch. Look at this glorious bastard!† â€Å"You cut it down with your sword?† Theo wasn't so worried about what she had cut it down with, but from where she'd cut it. He had a secret in the forest near their cabin. â€Å"Yeah. We don't have a chain saw that I don't know about, do we?† â€Å"No.† Actually they did, in the garage, hidden behind some paint cans. He'd hidden it when her  «artistic » moments had been more frequent. â€Å"That's not the problem, sweetie. I think the problem is that it's too big.† â€Å"No,† she said, walking the length of the tree now, pausing to jump through the branches and turn off the Honda's engine. â€Å"That's where you're wrong. Observe, double doors into the chapel.† Theo observed. The chapel did, indeed, have double doors. There was a single mercury lamp illuminating the gravel parking lot, but he could clearly see the little white chapel, the shadows of gravestones showing dimly behind it – a graveyard where they'd been planting Pine Covers for a hundred years. â€Å"And the ceiling in the main room is thirty feet tall at the peak. This tree is only twenty-nine feet tall. We pull it through the doors backward and stand that baby up. I'll need your help, but, you know, you don't mind.† â€Å"I don't?† Molly pulled open her jean jacket and flashed Theo, exposing his favorite breasts, right down to the shiny scar that ran across the top of the right one, cocked up like a curious purple eyebrow. It was like unexpectedly running into two tender friends, both a little pale from being out of the sun, a tad humbled by time, but with alert pink noses upturned by the night chill. And as quickly as they appeared, the jacket was pulled shut and Theo felt like he'd been shut out in the cold. â€Å"Okay, I don't mind,† he said, trying to buy time for the blood to return to his brain. â€Å"How do you know the ceiling is thirty feet tall?† â€Å"From our wedding pictures. I cut you out and used you to measure the whole building. It was just under five Theos tall.† â€Å"You cut up our wedding pictures?† â€Å"Not the good ones. Come on, help me get the tree off the car.† She turned quickly and her jacket fanned out behind her. â€Å"Molly, I wish you wouldn't go out like that.† â€Å"You mean like this?† She turned, lapels in hand. And there they were again, his pink-nosed friends. â€Å"Let's get the tree set up and then do it in the graveyard, okay?† She jumped a little for emphasis and Theo nodded, following the recoil. He suspected that he was being manipulated, enslaved by his own sexual weakness, but he couldn't quite figure out why that was a bad thing. After all, he was among friends. â€Å"Sweetheart, I'm a peace officer, I can't –  » â€Å"Come on, it will be nasty.† She said nasty like it meant delicious, which is what she meant. â€Å"Molly, after five years together, I'm not sure we're supposed to be nasty.† But even as he said it, Theo was moving toward the big evergreen, looking for the ropes that secured it to the Honda. Over in the graveyard, the dead, who had been listening all along, began to murmur anxiously about the new Christmas tree and the impending sex show. They'd heard it all, the dead: crying children, wailing widows, confessions, condemnations, questions that they could never answer; Halloween dares, raving drunks-invoking the ghosts or just apologizing for drawing breath; would-be witches, chanting at indifferent spirits, tourists rubbing the old tombstones with paper and charcoal like curious dogs scratching at the grave to get in. Funerals, confirmations, communions, weddings, square dances, heart attacks, junior-high hand jobs, wakes gone awry, vandalism, Handel's Messiah, a birth, a murder, eighty-three Passion plays, eighty-five Christmas pageants, a dozen brides barking over tombstones like taffeta sea lions as the best man gave it to them dog style, and now and again, couples who needed something dark and smelling of damp earth to give their sex life a jolt: the dead had heard it. â€Å"Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah!† Molly cried from her seat astraddle the town constable, who was squirming on an uncomfortable bed of plastic roses a few feet above a dead schoolteacher. â€Å"They always think they're the first ones. Ooooo, let's do it in the graveyard,† said Bess Leander, whose husband had served her foxglove tea with her last breakfast. â€Å"I know, there are three used condoms on my grave from this week alone,† said Arthur Tannbeau, citrus farmer, deceased five years. â€Å"How can you tell?† They heard everything, but their vision was limited. â€Å"The smell.† â€Å"That's disgusting,† said Esther, the schoolteacher. It's hard to shock the dead. Esther was feigning disgust. â€Å"What's all the racket? I was sleeping.† Malcolm Cowley, antique book dealer, myocardial infarction over Dickens. â€Å"Theo Crowe, the constable, and his crazy wife doing it on Esther's grave,† said Arthur. â€Å"I'll bet she's off her meds.† â€Å"Five years they've been married and they're still at this kind of thing?† Since her death, Bess had taken a strong antirelationship stance. â€Å"Postmarital sex is so pedestrian.† Malcolm again, ever bored with provincial, small-town death. â€Å"Some postmortem sex, that's what I could use,† said the late Marty in the Morning, KGOB radio's top DJ with a bullet – a pioneer carjack victim back when hair bands ruled the airwaves. â€Å"A rave in the grave, if you get my meaning.† â€Å"Listen to her. I'd like to slip the bone to her,† said Jimmy Antalvo, who'd kissed a pole on his Kawasaki to remain ever nineteen. â€Å"Which one?† Marty cackled. â€Å"The new Christmas tree sounds lovely,† said Esther. â€Å"I do hope they sing ‘Good King Wenceslas' this year.† â€Å"If they do,† spouted the moldy book dealer, â€Å"you'll find me justly spinning in my grave.† â€Å"You wish,† said Jimmy Antalvo. â€Å"Hell, I wish.† The dead did not spin in their graves, they did not move – nor could they speak, except to one another, voices without air. What they did was sleep, awakening to listen, to chat a bit, then, eventually, to never wake again. Sometimes it took twenty years, sometimes as long as forty before they took the big sleep, but no one could remember hearing a voice from longer ago than that. Six feet above them, Molly punctuated her last few convulsive climactic bucks with, â€Å"I – AM – SO – GOING – TO – WASH – YOUR – VOLVO – WHEN – WE – GET – HOME! YES! YES! YES!† Then she sighed and fell forward to nuzzle Theo's chest as she caught her breath. â€Å"I don't know what that means,† Theo said. â€Å"It means I'm going to wash your car for you.† â€Å"Oh, it's not a euphemism, like, wash the old Volvo. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge?† â€Å"Nope. It's your reward.† Now that they were finished, Theo was having a hard time ignoring the plastic flowers that were impressed in his bare backside. â€Å"I thought this was my reward.† He gestured to her bare thighs on either side of him, the divots her knees had made in the dirt, her hair played out across his chest. Molly pushed up and looked down at him. â€Å"No, this was your reward for helping me with the Christmas tree. Washing your car is your reward for this.† â€Å"Oh,† Theo said. â€Å"I love you.† â€Å"Oh, I think I'm going to be sick,† said a newly dead voice from across the woods. â€Å"Who's the new guy?† asked Marty in the Morning. The radio on Theo's belt, which was down around his knees, crackled. â€Å"Pine Cove Constable, come in. Theo?† Theo did an awkward sit-up and grabbed the radio. â€Å"Go ahead, Dispatch.† â€Å"Theo, we have a two-oh-seven-A at six-seven-one Worchester Street. The victim is alone and the suspect may still be in the area. I've dispatched two units, but they're twenty minutes out.† â€Å"I can be there in five minutes,† Theo said. â€Å"Suspect is a white male, over six feet, long blond hair, wearing a long black raincoat or overcoat.† â€Å"Roger, Dispatch. I'm on my way.† Theo was trying to pull his pants up with one hand while working the radio with the other. Molly was on her feet already, naked from the waist down, holding her jeans and sneakers rolled up under her left arm. She extended a hand to help Theo up. â€Å"What's a two-oh-seven?† â€Å"Not sure,† said Theo, letting her lever him to his feet. â€Å"Either an attempted kidnapping or a possum with a handgun.† â€Å"You have plastic flowers stuck to your butt.† â€Å"Probably the former, she didn't say anything about shots fired.† â€Å"No, leave them. They're cute.†